A User's Guide to Surviving Without Your Cell Phone

Published on by Francesca Quarto

Just by way of a disclaimer: I am an avid user of my cell phone and particularly enjoy its convenience and well...its mobility! (Only the British and foreigners with cool accents call it a "mobile" , so let's not be too uppity here, shall we?)

There have been countless (I've read at least five) articles, stories and probably books, written on the topic of how the cell phone has changed our lives.

I am here to say, it has changed our society!

But, this morning's posting is about how one can actually live, if your cell phone is dead, lost, or prohibited by societal pressure. I shall now endeavor to explain my approach to such challenges to your lifestyle.

1. A cell phone that is dead should not be buried, unless its placed in the pocket of a deceased person at the time of his or her funeral. This item will likely not be needed in the next world, but why take chances! Wouldn't want your loved one to miss that urgent call from Carnival Cruises). In some instances, the phone has been rooted to their hand permanently and removing it would be disfiguring, or at the very least, cost you more in funeral expenses.

Most dead cell phones can be recharged with a simple plug-in, at a cost of pennies. I also have safeguarded against this occurrence, by purchasing a portable charger, allowing me to use someone else's electricity, at no cost to me. Clever that!

A dead phone is a social embarrassment as it indicates you are not an attentive, caring person. Enough said!

2. Your cell phone has gone missing and your life as you know it is clearly OVER! Reporting this loss to the police is clearly not recommended. In my humble opinion, the constabulary tend to be over-worked, with long hours and bad people to deal with daily. Also, they have problems of their own when it comes to cell phone use.

If your cell has suddenly sprouted legs, stop turning in circles and use your land phone to call your errant cell. Don't have a land phone? Don't remember what they look like? Sold it in your last Garage sale? Jump in your car and drive to the nearest WalMart. You will need the diversion of staring at the "WalMartians" at this point, because you can't use this method of locating your cell. (This is an optional mental health tip...laughter is good for you).

Besides trying to locate your cell with a call to its dormant little self, you can turn over every couch pillow, open every drawer and search through all cupboards, closets and newly discovered life forms living under the beds.

If you are feeling industrious, you will take this opportunity to bring order to these locations.You can then take real pride in showcasing this, by leaving them all open for any passing visitor, or the odd family member to admire! (Yet another mental health tip!)

Failing to discover your old cell phones current location, go out and purchase the newest version of Apple that you secretly and passionately coveted! Upon purchase and the outlay of a few hundred dollars, you will immediately find your missing cell phone!

3. There will be awkward occasions during your life that you are asked to turn off your cell phone! These are only awkward when they are accompanied with hateful looks, or threats of bodily harm. How is one to respond to these? Start with saying it's an urgent call (Most people would not think a call to your BFF was urgent, so don't go into detail). Look concerned that they found your voice annoying (Who needs to hear all the dialogue in a movie anyway...?)

There are moments when the sound of your favorite ring tone (anything by Queen!) might put people off. But let's face it, the sermon might not be as riveting that morning as the "Bohemian Rhapsody"!

If you are seeing lots of heads jerk around to give you "the look" (a narrowing of the eyes and downward curve of the mouth) you may have to comply to the majority (unless you are Republican) and turn off the offending instrument.

I admit, at first, it will feel like someone has punched a hole in your air balloon, or taken away your oxygen on a deep sea dive...the feeling of imminent doom can put you off for a bit! My advise...take shallow breaths and if it helps, hold firmly onto your life-line (others call it a cell phone, but you know differently).

You can resume living as soon as that movie ends, the church services are concluded, and you can turn you phone back on the second you step out of the hospital where you were sent when you couldn't out-run the mob from WalMart that took your laughter too personally!

To be informed of the latest articles, subscribe:

Comment on this post