Today is July 4th; Independence Day in the USA. Usually I am caught up in the celebration of this country's hard won democracy on the world stage. The Fireworks have been booming and rattling windows, the smell of grilling burgers and hot dogs permeates the sultry air, with the occasional hum of a lawn mower muddling the tranquility of the neighborhood.
These subtle reminders of a day of leisure, spent with family and friends, ring as false to my ears as would the sound of Madonna singing Gospel music!
Today, and for several days past and future, I will be ensconced, not in my cozy mid-western home, but in a hotel, trying its hardest to be a residence to people away from home.
Needless to say, some of my fellow suite dwellers are delighted with their lot as guests; no cooking, no cleaning, no lawn care...well, you get the picture. This is complete independence from the everyday life that claims our energies and attention.
To my mind, the lack of home and responsibility and routine, and my own bed at the end of a long day, smacks of a breakdown along the road of my life!
I have discovered that this enforced holiday is anything, but enjoyable. In fact, I hate every nano second and wonder if at the end of tunnel, I'll be sane enough to recognize the light and not scream "Fire!"
Because that's how this all began; a small fire in our home turning two floors of living into a smoke-filled dungeon.
I now clearly understand something about myself that I never suspected until I walked into the Dragon's Den that was once my home.
I am definitely not independent of my life style, my comfortable routines and habits. I depend on the sameness of everyday tasks, so that I can function in what most consider a civilized fashion.
I now understand that there can be real freedom in sameness; there's no need to reinvent the wheel every time you get out of bed. It frees your mind to allow for creative output and as a writer, I need that kind of freedom.
I'm not suggesting that I function like a mindless robot in my everyday rituals, but the familiar never takes as much creative juice to do well.
With the discovery of my home-body persona, lurking just below the surface of the modern woman, I see how fleeting independence is when based upon a false premise.
The independence we seek, to live in peace and security is always subject to the ticking of the clock, the turning of the wheel in the heavens, whatever you know as fate, serendipity, coincidence.
I feel more grown up now, perhaps mellowed by an unexpected adversity. Who knows? Who ever knows? But at least I am an Independent Thinker and I'll just live inside my head for a bit!!